Grasping my steaming coffee cup, I sat across the little round table and listened to “Michelle” tell her story. Though I was fully engaged, I had the opportunity to interrupt Michelle at any point and offer to complete the remainder of her story. I’ve heard it all before as a pastoral counsellor and marriage coach. The basic plot remained the same, but Michelle’s version included a few more theatrical details that had never been revealed before. A boy and a girl cross paths. A girl and a boy fall deeply in love. God approves of the boy and girl’s union. After having two children, the boy and the girl quickly come to the realisation that “they have fallen out of love” and “don’t feel called to be married any longer.”
I’m not sure if Michelle’s inquisitive look, which was flowing from her deep brown eyes, called for my pity, understanding, or approval. I could show compassion, empathy, and understanding, but I couldn’t win their acceptance.
“Michelle, what is the scriptural basis for your divorce from your husband?” I enquired.
She appeared astonished. Her gaze scanned the coffee shop’s corners in search of information before coming back to mine. “I just don’t think all of this strife is constructive. Neither our children nor we should do it. God doesn’t seem to want us to be this sad right now.
A lack of knowledge about God’s plan for marriage is the issue with Michelle’s assessment of her marriage, as is the issue with more than 50% of Christian divorcing couples. Happiness is not as important to God as holiness. That does not imply that he supports women being at their husbands’ beck and call, wearing long skirts, and without makeup.
It does mean that He is constantly at work to make us more like His son than he is working to make us happy. Yes, marriage is one of God’s discipleship tools to sanctify and unify us. Happiness is a byproduct of obedience, not the precursor to obedience.
Because we live on social media, snip it and tweet it in society, popular catchphrases can rage like wildfire in seconds. Some of these catchphrases seem sensible, but they are quite shallow. Here are four popular phrases that are damaging the purpose of what God intended marriage to be:
1. “I’m/We’re Not Happy Anymore.”
Oh, to be happy. The American dream is that. We attempt to satisfy our own happiness by investing a great deal of money, time, and other resources. And we’re not always, as you’ve already learned. Contentment like the golden pot at the end of a rainbow. It’s both fantastical and inspirational. It’s not the main course; it’s the cherry on top. The Bible says nothing about God wanting us to be joyful. Nonetheless, several verses counsel us to put our faith in the Lord to satisfy our needs, which will lead to a joyful heart:
- Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)
- Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces (Psalm 34:5)
- How happy is the one who does not walk in the advice of the wicked or stand in the pathway with sinners or sit in the company of mockers! Instead, his delight is in the LORD’s instruction, and he meditates on it day and night. (Psalm 1:1-2)
2. “It’s Just Not Working.”
Where I reside, thunderstorms frequently occur. In my neighbourhood, power outages caused by these erratic storms happen frequently. My spouse and I bought a generator a few years ago to prevent food spoilage in the fridge and heat stroke as we waited for the power company to restore service. Our initial attempt to use the generator didn’t go well! It was raining heavily. It was so thick with darkness that you could feel it. My spouse repeatedly pulled the starter cable while using the flashlight on our phones. Despite choking several times, the machine refused to start. At last, I touched the generator and it started.
We could have just returned the generator to our neighbourhood hardware store and informed the cashier that it “didn’t work.” However, we were aware of this. We are aware that when generators don’t get enough power, they won’t operate. People expect marriages to “work” far too frequently. I say this all the time: “People work; marriages don’t.” Your union is lifeless. For it to function, someone has to turn it on. Needs and Expectations is one of the first things I cover with couples in my premarital counselling sessions. Too many couples enter into marriage expecting it to be a fairy tale, and when their prince or princess stops being charming or wonderful, they’re ready to call it quits. Mature people marry.
3. “We’re Just Not in Love Anymore.”
Love is an emotion. It’s a verb, specifically an action verb. Seeing marriage through the prism of being in love has a drawback. The majority of individuals are talking about infatuation, not love. An intense, fleeting passion or adoration for someone is called infatuation, and it is a real emotion. It’s not meant to be permanent. Regretfully, we grew up watching romantic comedies and fairy tales where the “feeling” of love is meant to endure forever. Couples become disillusioned as the reality of marriage sink in, which makes sense. You have to pay your bills. Children aren’t always adorable and cuddly; life’s storms never stop. Love is an ongoing process that needs regular nurturing. It’s not a ditch, love.
It’s not a ditch, love. You are unable to “fall into it.” Every day, you have to make the conscious choice to put your spouse above yourself.
If we truly did learn to love one another as Christ loved us (I John 4:19), how different would our world be? There would be a great deal less misery, indifference, envy, and conflict. I always joke that if a couple I’m teaching says they “fell out of love,” they best get back into it. Couples are attempting to convey that their love feelings have faded. I recognise. I have been married for twenty-five years, but I haven’t always “felt” like loving.
4. “We Are Better Off as Friends.”
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have done the world and every tense ex-couple a disservice. Compared to when they were a couple, they appear to be happy as friends. Images of them walking side by side, grinning, staring into each other’s eyes, and even flirting are shown. It has such a romantic vibe. It makes sense that when problems arise in their relationships, couples might think it would be better if they were just friends. Before matters worsen, some spouses even “pre-emptively” file for divorce. Nothing in this is found in the Bible!
Scripture repeatedly portrays marriage as a lifetime commitment that was never meant to be broken. Most marital issues can be resolved, with the exception of severe trauma that could qualify as grounds for divorce. When God can make you a buddy, why settle for anything less? Divorces are more often than not contentious. Youngsters suffer harm and frequently feel compelled to take a side. Your legacy may be damaged, hopes may be dashed, and both couples may experience financial hardship. I pray that those who have already gone through a divorce have experienced God’s grace. No one is criticising. However, as Christians, we have to exercise caution when romanticising divorce as a workable solution to our marital woes.
Adapted
